So many times, I am taken back by how much I strive in my relationship with Christ. I’m no expert in just resting in His Presence. I like to be busy and I like to be in control.
“God, use me!” is my heart cry, but then when He does, I go back in my shell. Why? Various reasons. One, control. I want to be in control. Second, fear. I’m scared of Him using me when I don’t know what He’s going to do with me. And even that goes back to me being in control, because I want to be in control of where I go and I don’t want Someone who’s bigger to lead me into the unknown. I want to know where I’m going! I don’t want to be second-guessing of where else I’m going to go.
So the question that I have to ask myself is this: Do I fully trust God with my life? For years, I would say, “Of course I do!” But it wasn’t until this past year that God revealed to me that I don’t. I don’t fully trust Him. Because if I fully did trust Him, why do all my answers to Him seem to be “no”?
He’s been asking me for the past few years, “Katie, do you trust Me?”
And my answer is always, “Yes.”
But just a few months ago, He asked again. “Katie…..do you really trust Me?”
“No. I don’t.”
“Why do you not trust Me?”
“Because. Because I don’t want to be empty. I don’t want to be vulnerable. If I put all of my trust in You, I’m gong to be empty. I will have nothing to hold onto when I put everything…and I mean, everything…..into Your hands. My friends, my life, my emotions, my circumstances. I have to give You all of those, God, and I’m scared. Actually, scared isn’t even the word to describe how I’m feeling. I’m petrified. I don’t know where You’re going to take me, I don’t know where You’re leading me. I want to trust You. I want to fully trust You, God, but I need to have something that I can hold onto when things get tough. And when things do get tough, being vulnerable before You is scary. I want to rely on my own strength to get through tough times. Relying on someone fully and not relying on myself makes me scared. I want to be in control.”
“Perfect love casts out all fear, Katie,” God gently whispered to me. “I want you to be empty before Me because that’s when I can fill you. When your hands are so tightly grasped onto other things besides what I have for you, it makes it difficult for you to open up your hands so that I can fill them. When you are empty, I’m going to do a filling. Whatever you go through, Katie, I am your strength. I am your Defender. You are my Daughter and nothing will ever come against you and make you fall because I won’t let them. If your God is for you, who can stand against you? Who, Katie? No one. I am Strength. I am your Provider. Let go of the things. Practice walking in the trust. Practice trusting in Me. I will never leave you. I will never forget about you. So when you are scared, when you are anxious of trusting in Me, know that I will never hurt you. I will never abandon you. I will never leave you as an orphan. I have adopted you. I have already chosen you long before you chose Me. Long before you even became aware of Me as your Father, as your Savior. You keep saying you want to rely on your own strength, but your flesh will fail. So when your strength fails, where does that leave you? Do not rely on your strength, My Daughter, but rely on your Father’s. I go before you. I pave the paths for you. I stand with you. Do not fear. I have said this repeatedly in my Word to you so that you will not live in fear because I already dealt with it all on the cross. You are mine. I am for you and will never be against you.”
Why fear when my God goes before me? I have been on the road to emptying myself before God. And though it’s hard to go through in trusting Him with my fullest, I know that I don’t ever want to trust in myself or anyone else with my life. God is the place where I would rather put all my trust in, because He will never fail me.
He wants to fill you. He wants to do great and mighty things in your life. Let go of the things that you are holding onto. He is faithful when you are not. He is strong when you are not. He is good when you are not.
Fully trust your Father. He paid a highest price for you.