Seasons are weird. Some seasons are difficult. Some seasons are wonderful. I am in a season where it is both difficult and wonderful at the same time.
One moment, you are fine. Walking down the sidewalk, enjoying life as it is, and then bam…..something happens. Maybe it’s a family member’s death, or a loss of a job, or loss of friends. Maybe it’s a transition you are facing.
You don’t know what to do, what to say, how to go forward. Simply put, you feel stuck. And in that moment of being stuck, there is a chance you become complacent.
I am in a season of pulling away. Not from people who matter, but from people who mattered to me but I didn’t matter to them enough to be pursued.
I am in a season of finding out who I am. What I like, what I dislike. When I came out of a relationship back in January, I found myself a broken mess and along the way of my relationship with him, I lost the sense of who I am. I was a very confident person until I met him. Insecure people can make you feel insecure. It’s toxicity.
I am in a season of forgiving the ones who were supposed to represent God to me but failed. Family, friends, and leaders from Bible college, I am in a season of letting go of the people that no longer matter and forgiving them for what they did, but no longer thinking about them and dwelling on them. They no longer matter to me.
I am in a season of healing from my last relationship. I am over him, I don’t miss him. But, I’m healing.
I’m also healing from someone who was close to me who took their own life.
Today, I stand before you….a broken mess, but a whole person at the same time. When I went to Bible college, there wasn’t a day that went by when leaders and “friends” told me all the negative things about myself and then called my sensitive when I would say, “I don’t appreciate you saying that about me.” They used that as an excuse to cover up their rudeness and judgment. I was an RA, Student Council, and even a team leader. But yet, I was still not enough for them. Outwardly, people would say I was well liked. They didn’t know that I struggled with suicidal thoughts for three years and am lucky to be alive. Not for them, but for the support I had outside of the school.
However, I say to you today, “They don’t matter.” I don’t care about their lives, I don’t care about their accomplishments, and I don’t care about their struggles. I no longer pursue because I just don’t care.
I have learned to let go. This season is difficult, but it is wonderful. I have found friends, I have found a social life, and I have begun to grow and love who I am and what I’m about.
I currently have decided to no longer associate myself with Christians and Christianity and have decided to full out stick with people that matter to me.
I’m worth it. I’m worth more than the word of what Christians at Bible college told me.
I’m worth more than the lies I have listened to my whole life.
I’m worth more than what I have said about myself.
I have value.
I have strengths.
I am loved.
I encourage you today to look at yourself in the mirror and state five positive facts about yourself. I don’t care if you should stand there for 15 minutes trying to think of one thing. Say it aloud, and say it daily. Combat those lies that you have believed about yourself. They simply aren’t true.
Change your perspective.
You are worth it.
You’re an individual with ideas and ambitions.